Week of November 1st

Put a New Spin on an Acronymn

Whether you love em or hate em, the “stars” of Jersey Shore are known by just about everyone.  And if you’ve watched a few episodes then you know how Ronnie, The Situation, Paulie D and that other kid LOVE their GTL sessions.  For those who are not experts in Jersey Shore acronyms that would indeed, I kid you not, stand for “Gym, Tanning, Laundry,” which believe it or not, is according to them, the ONLY and BEST way any man could start his day.  Well unfortunately for me, this past week I did a little GTL’ing of myself. 

I love going to the gym because it keeps my mind clear, and my body fit, but mostly because I simply love how I look in spandex.  Just kidding I’ve always preferred sweat pants or mesh shorts.  Regardless of your attire the gym is also a great way to stay energetic and positive.  So whether you decide to attend the gym in spandex or mesh shorts, from the bottom of my achy breaky heart I’d highly recommend it.

But like many things that we all do, after doing them for any lengthy amount of time, it’s easy to start to think that you have it all figured out.  So despite my scrawny biceps, skimpy shoulders, and soft as a baby butt cheeks, I was recently thinking that I had this entire “working out” gig pretty much conquered.  So yesterday when I was offered my first ever gym session with an actual trainer I kind of laughed a bit on the inside.  In all honesty this guy had a baby beer belly.  “A beer belly on a personal trainer, ha!” I said to myself…what are we training for a hot dog eating competition?   A whoopie pie convention?  God damnit I’d love a whoopie pie right about now. 

But yesterday whoopie pies were not on the menu.  No no, whoopie of my ass was the only thing I had coming.

It all began with the dreaded squat thrust.  It’s not possible to hump the air any faster than this dude had me humping.  I have a new found respect for any job that requires repeated humping movements/squat thrusts throughtout the course of the day.  One straight minute of squat humping agony later I could barely move my hips.  Thank god they weren’t playing Shakira, because I would not have been able to dance.

But it didn’t stop there!  After a five second break… A 5 SECOND BREAK!!!…I was on a mat cringing through some variation of an abdominal exercise that I would rather refer to as a demented kama sutra position.  I was starting to wonder where this guy was getting his inspiration or training from, and whether I should of worn spandex because my shorts were now basically down over my head, exposing anyone else in the gym to an indecent/unsafe amount of Irish Pale Upper Thigh glare.  I was basically mooning myself in the mirror when he started yelling (and I really don’t like yelling) at me to switch back to squat thrusts.  Goodness gracious what have I gotten myself into.

The next 30 minutes consisted of an unending tsunami or squat thrusts, crunches, jumping rope, pushups, planks, back extensions and then…

Well it’s difficult to remember because I think I repressed part of the next exercise.  Or maybe I blacked out, or possibly it was a combination of the two.  But after doing 30 chest extensions in just under a minute something went wrong inside of me.  

I flash backed to High School.  It was varsity basketball practice sophomore year.  Yes that’s right, varsity as a sophomore-too bad I airballed my first ever free throws.  Back to back air balls in front a few hundred people.  Slighly hilarious yet devestating at the time.  Anyways forget about that…it was sophomore year Bball practice and we were being run to the ground.  Hours of wind sprints.  People collapsing all around me.  People throwing up on the sidelines.  Weaker men crying in the locker room.  Broken ankles, broken spirit, broken dreams.  What a bunch of freaking Sally’s, I would think to myself.  These kids are the biggest wimps I’ve ever seen, I remember saying.  Well things have a way of coming back to bite you in the butt, and when they do, you best be wearing some serious boxer shorts because it’s going to bite you hard.

It was at this moment that I snapped back to reality.  Things were not good.  My legs were wobbly, I think I was having hot flashes, and my stomach…oh boy my stomach was not good at all.

It was at that moment that the term GTL will forever be redefined in my book. 

Gym, Throw Up, and Leave immediately. 

It was such a nice gym too.  I hope they let me back.

Yours Truly,

Ryan